Things Roy Mustang Didn't Know About Edward Elric
by WitheringWords
Summary: A small collection of one-shots revolving around Roy Mustang and Edward Elric. Some Parental!RoyEd NOT YAOI! Rated T to be safe.
1. Kitchen

Okay, this is just a collection of snippets, oneshots, and drabbles all around Edward Elric. This is going to have lots of Parental! Royed, in it, so if you don't like that, you might not want to read it. I DON'T OWN FMA! I really wish I did, but I don't.

I want to apologize for any OOC-ness from this oneshot. I love FMA, love reading FMA fanfics, but this is my first one to actually write. You can blame any OOC-ness on the fact that Roy and Ed had yet to have their morning coffee for about half of it.

**Theme # 1-The Kitchen**

Roy woke up to the smell of bacon that morning. It took him awhile to get past the fogginess of his half-asleep mind to register the fact that someone was cooking something. The fact anything was cooking surprised him.

Roy, Hawkeye, and Edward had been released on a mission recently, in which they had to act like a family and do an undercover investigation on a serial killer who used alchemy to torture his victims. Shortly after arriving at their "house", however, Roy realized their first problem. Roy could not cook worth a damn, and Riza used to be able to cook, but she stayed in the better military dorms in which a housekeeper to care of cleaning and cooking, and she forgot all she knew about making meals.

The two of them thought that they would have to order take out and eat instant ramen their entire mission.

He stood and slipped into his robe, hoping that Riza was not attempting to cook like she tried last night. As much as he loved his subordinate, he did not want to die an early death. As he entered the kitchen, he saw a thin person with long, blonde hair pulled into a hasty pony-tail standing in front of the stove.

He groaned, thinking it was Riza.

"What are you moaning about, Colonel Bastard?" Roy jumped in surprise when the person he thought was Riza turned around, and was revealed to be Edward Elric. Roy was so shocked that he couldn't say a word. The silence made Ed raise an eyebrow, then he turned back to the stove, shrugging at his superior's odd behavior.

"S…sorry, I was just shocked."

"Shocked?" Ed asked, using a spatula to flip some of the pancakes he had cooking in one pan, then turned some of the bacon in another. "About what?"

"You…cooking…"

"What about me cooking?" Ed asked, looking irritated. "Does it really look that unappetizing to you?"

"No, it's not that. I just didn't know you could cook…" Roy tried to find that right words, but he was still just waking up and had not had his morning coffee. He looked over at the stove where Ed had some bacon, pancakes, sausage, and eggs cooking. It all looked absolutely delicious. A tea kettle began making noise and Ed took it off the heat.

"You never asked. Could you get out three coffee mugs for me?"

"Ah, yeah, sure," Roy searched for awhile until he found them, setting them on the counter and watched as Ed began to pour something from the kettle into them. Guessing what it was, he said, "No tea for me, thanks, I like coffee in the mornings."

"It is coffee, bastard," Ed replied, handing him a mug, "I don't own a coffee machine, so I make it from scratch. Drink it and be satisfied."

Ed took a sip of his coffee before setting it on the counter and taking the bacon and sausage off the heat and putting it on a plate. He set it on the table, along with a plate of eggs, and a very large stack of pancakes. "Go wake up Hawkeye, Colonel. She's gonna miss breakfast."

"No need, I'm already up, Edward," Riza said as she walked into the room. It was different, seeing her in a robe instead of her military garb. "Wow, who made all this?"

"Believe it or not, Ed did."

"Really?"

"Hey, what's so hard to believe about me being about to cook?" Ed asked. "It doesn't sound that unbelievable to me."

"Maybe it's because we can't and we're adults," Riza theorized, phrasing her sentence carefully so as to not sound offensive to the boy. "It's hard to believe someone younger than you can do something that you can't."

"I guess."

Riza put some of the food on her plate and took a bite. "This is delicious, Edward, where did you learn to cook like this?"

"Here and there," Ed replied, finishing his coffee and pouring himself another cup. "Mom taught me and Al a few of the basics, 'cause she wanted us to know how to cook at least a little for when we got older. Soon after I joined the military, Al realized that he really couldn't cook all that well, because he couldn't smell if something was burning or taste to see if he needed to add something." He took a bite of his food before saying, "I ended up having to save so many of the things he made that I just started cooking on my own. It works, since I'm the only one eating, anyway."

Ed wore a slightly guilty look as he said this. Roy mulled over his expression as he took a sip of his coffee. Then almost spit it back out. It was incredibly strong, and really bitter. But, not wanting to be rude, he swallowed it and hoped his resentment wasn't obvious on his face.

Apparently, it was, because Ed said, somewhat sheepishly, "Sorry if it's too bitter. I usually need something really strong to wake me up in the mornings and I've gotten so used to making it like this that I made it without thinking. I think there is some cream and sugar in the fridge."

Roy hated admitting this, but he always loaded his coffee with cream and sugar. He couldn't stand black coffee. But he needed his coffee and he couldn't take another sip of the coffee Edward had given him, so he stood and got the cream and sugar out of the fridge.

As he fixed his coffee, he wondered absentmindedly why a boy of Edward's age needed coffee this strong every morning. And not just a cup, Edward himself had drunken half the kettle he made already. Ed looked at him with a smirk, "Got a sweet-tooth, Colonel?"

"No," Roy replied, "Your coffee is extremely bitter. I'm wondering how you can handle it. Your sweet-tooth is even bigger than mine."

Ed made a face and took another sip of his coffee. He muttered something about bastard colonels and the like as he dug into his breakfast. Roy smirked at him as he, too, continued eating.

_So Edward Elric knows how to cook…I wonder if he's keeping any other talents hidden from me…_

_..._

I promise to update whenever I'm inspired, but since this is not an actual on-going story and I have a lot of those that I'm working on, I'm not making any promises on when the updates will be.

**Constructive Criticism Wanted! **(See, I bolded it so you wouldn't miss it. Clever, aren't I?)


	2. Spider

Okay, this is just a collection of snippets, oneshots, and drabbles all around Edward Elric. This is going to have lots of Parental! Royed, in it, so if you don't like that, you might not want to read it. I DON'T OWN FMA! I really wish I did, but I don't.

I want to apologize for any OOC-ness from this oneshot..

**Theme # 2-Spider**

Roy took a long sip of his coffee, relishing the warmth, the sweetness and, above all, the caffeine. He gave a sigh of pleasure and drained his cup completely. Feeling awake now, he began to fix himself another cup.

As he was pouring the steaming liquid, he heard a shriek of fright upstairs.

Shocked, Mustang accidentally spilled coffee on himself. He let out a surprised yelp of pain, running his hand under cool water for a moment. Warily, he eyed the staircase, as though searching for answers.

Then it hit him like a slap in the face.

Quickly, the memories of the night previous came rushing into his mind. Edward and Al came here to get out of the rain for awhile, Ed got sick, and Roy offered to let them stay over. Al had left about an hour ago, saying he was going to buy groceries so he could make Ed something nutritious.

Last he had checked, Ed was still asleep.

He heard another shriek, and an indiscernible yell.

Apparently, the young prodigy was awake. Roy was about to walk up the stairs when he heard mismatched footsteps—fast, with one foot heavier than the other—make their way across the floor upstairs. Suddenly, a golden blur raced down the stairs and threw itself behind him.

"KILL IT! KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT, OH GOD, KILL IT!" Edward's voice, an octave higher than normal, shrieked behind him. "_Please_! Kill it, Mustang! Please!"

"…What…?" Was all the black-haired alchemist could get out of his mouth while still trying to gather his wits. "What are you talking about, Fullmetal?"

"You have to kill it! It's in my room! Please, kill it!"

Edward was shaking now, eyes wide. Whatever was going on was clearly terrifying the boy. Roy felt a twinge of sympathy.

"Okay…shh, calm down, Fullmetal," He tried to comfort the boy. "It's okay. What do you need me to kill?"

"Sp-sp…" Ed couldn't get the words out and he was still shaking.

"Sp…?" Roy echoed, urging him. "What is it, Ed?"

"SPIDER!" Ed's shrill voice replied in a yell. "It's a spider! Kill it, Mustang. Go kill it_, now_!"

"…A…spider?" He replied slowly, not sure if he heard him right. "Really, Fullmetal, a spider? Are you serious?"

A good look into the boy's eyes revealed that he was, in fact, very serious.

"Are you…afraid of spiders?" Roy asked, trying his hardest not to sound like he was making fun of Edward. The blonde narrowed his eyes angrily.

Then his eyes wandered up to the staircase.

He flinched and turned away from it.

"Edward," Roy Mustang used an authoritative voice. "Answer me, are you afraid of spiders?"

"N-no…" He replied.

"Are you sure?" Roy asked, trying to sound friendly. "It's okay to be afraid of something. Everyone is."

"I'M NOT AFRAID!" Edward shouted at him.

"Oh really? You're not?" Roy replied, getting angry now. He was just trying to help Ed, and the stubborn blonde idiot was just being irritating! "Could have fooled me with the way you came running down screaming 'kill it! Kill it!' and what not."

"I'm not afraid," The boy repeated, this time quietly.

"Okay, fine. You're not afraid, I understand. But you know what, Ed? I'm tired; I just woke up. Why don't _you_ kill the spider?"

"NO!" Ed's eyes grew wide and his face took a greenish hue. He looked sick at the thought of killing the spider himself.

He then realized that he had just shouted, and grew quieter. His voice low, he whispered, "I…I just…can't, okay?"

"Why can't you?"

Edward muttered something indistinguishable.

"Look at me and speak clearly when you repeat what you just said."

The boy looked at him, an almost nervous look in his eyes. "They're just…they're just…" He flexed his hands open and closed. "They're…icky."

Roy blinked a few times, processing what he just heard.

"You can't kill them…because they're…_icky_?" Roy asked. This had to be the strangest thing he'd ever heard come from the boy's mouth.

The boy nodded as though the comment had made perfect sense, although he did look rather embarrassed.

Just then, there was a knock on the front door. Both males turned toward it, then faced each other. Neither seemed sure what to do.

"I'll get it," Roy finally said. "Al went shopping while you were still asleep, so it's probably him."

Sure enough, after he answered the door, a large suit of armor bearing large bags of food walked into the house.

"AL!" Edward shouted in relief, throwing himself at the armor. "You have to help me!"

"What's wrong, brother?" Al asked as Mustang began to remove things from the bags. "Are you okay?"

"There's…one of those _things_ is in my room!" Ed replied, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "You have to help! Mustang's only been making fun of me! He won't help."

"Ah, so it's another spider. Yeah, sure, I'll go get it, just wait here, brother," Al replied calmly, having probably already done this a million times already, over the years. The armor trekked up the stairs.

A while later, Al came down. "It's gone now, brother," He told Edward, whose shoulders sagged with relief. "You look tired; I bet you're still sick. Why don't you go lie down?"

Edward nodded, but stopped short in front of the stairs. He stared at them as if unsure if it was wise to go up.

He looked back at Al, who sighed.

"It's gone, brother, I promise."

Ed nodded again and made his way up the stairs.

"So…" Roy began, unsure of exactly what to say. "Your brother is…afraid of spiders?"

Despite the armor keeping him from truly having expressions, Al looked thoughtful. "You could call it fear, or 'such an intense hatred he can't bear to be in the same room as one of them.'"

"That what he calls it?"

"Uh-huh," Al replied with a bob of his metal head.

Roy rolled his eyes and began putting the groceries away.

"Uh…Mr. Mustang, sir?"

"Yes, Alphonse?"

"Please, don't make fun of brother for this."

"Am I such an awful person that you immediately assume I'm going to hold something like arachnophobia over the boy's head?"

Alphonse was decidedly silent.

Roy grunted and knew Al's answer.

...

I once again apologize for any OOC-ness.

Love it? Hate it? Let me know.


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